Separated at Birth?

Wet Lucas and Wet Beavis.

College Prep?

I walked into the dining room and found Lucas drinking his root beer from a funnel.

Family Jargon, Part 3

Special Recipe: The way Lucas makes microwave popcorn. He basically adds more melted butter and salt.

Mom's Special Recipe: Same as Lucas', but I add a dusting of garlic powder.

Fiesta Trained: This is how I describe Lucas. At age 10, that boy knows vintage Cobalt from Post-86 Sapphire (the two colors are very close). And when I take him to the antique mall, he can spot Ironstone Fiesta at 30 paces.

Dead Smoothie: A really foul odor. So named after the time I left an empty smoothie cup in the car. The combination of hot stagnant air and rotting mango residue made the whole interior smell bad. I didn't notice it--my sense of smell is rather scant. But Q and Lucas sure did when they used the car to run an errand. When they came home, Q implored me to throw my empty Jamba Juice cups away after I'm finished with them. Lucas cited that my car smells like "a dead smoothie".

Toy Cry: The really loud, low-pitched howling meow Jango makes when she has a toy in her mouth. She sounds like she's in excrutiating pain, but she just has a plastic milk jug seal clenched between her teeth.

The Overheater: It's what we call my last car, a Ford Explorer (please don't lynch me, Christopher...it was very handy when the boys were babies). Kyle started calling it The Overheater because it was doing just that. We sold the car shortly thereafter, but the name stuck. Now, that's what we call any mid-90s model Explorer we see on the road. My overheating incident occurred at:

The Death Corner: The intersection of 67th Avenue and Bell Road in north Glendale. So named because it is at this corner where I've had a disportionate amount of car trouble. Dead batteries...overheating (see above)... There may have been a flat tire or two. I was once at a store at there when the car just wouldn't start.

Impulse Chocolate: Example: You're standing in the checkout line at Linens 'n' Things armed with some washcloths and a soapdish. You also have a coupon for $5 off any purchase of $15 or more. The total comes to $14.38. You need just one more cheap item to be coupon eligible. You impulsively grab the nearest under $1 item and add it to your order, bringing the pre-coupon total to $15.22. Impulse Chocolate is so named because the hastily chosen item is usually chocolate, but it can be anything from a BIC lighter to a magnet ribbon.

The Bank of Lucas: This child hardly ever spends his money (he must get that from his dad). Except for the occasional candy purchase, most of his Christmas gift cards and birthday money have gone unspent. As a result, Lucas tends to step forward when Kyle needs a few extra dollars to afford that new video game. I once went to the B of L to break a twenty-dollar bill.

Wet Bed Head: This is a more disheveled version of regular bed head. WBH is the hairstyle that results when you take a shower then go to bed without first drying your hair.

Family Jargon, Part 1
Family Jargon, Part 2

We Have a Winner

For the past few months, Lucas has been participating in his school's Mileage Club. In this program, the students run laps during lunch recess. They were issued stamping cards that kept track of each lap. Each filled card equalled five miles ran. Lucas filled five cards and part of a sixth.

This year's Mileage Club ended a few weeks ago. At which time, each filled card was entered into a drawing for a new bicycle.

And look who won:

How Rude!

Yesterday, the boys' school had their end-of-the-year awards assemblies. There were two ceremonies: one for the elementary grades, and one for junior high. And since both boys were receiving awards, we attended both.

At the start of the 3rd-6th grade ceremony, it was standing room only. By the time it ended, only a few dozen people remained. The 7th-8th grade ceremony ended with less than that. Apparently, parents saw no problem with exhibiting poor etiquette and leaving immediately after their kids received their awards.

I realize some families may have had prestanding commitments. The principal even deviated from the written program and gave awards to a group of kids who needed to get to soccer practice. And then there was the family with a cranky toddler. But I truly find it hard to believe that so many people had other legitimate plans. Most likely, they just wanted to get home in time to watch TMZ.

I feel bad for the kids who got their awards last. In this case, it was the band students. They got far less applause than the honor roll students, who were announced at the beginning.

I know that it's difficult to sit on hard laminate cafeteria benches for long periods. My butt was numb after an hour. And I realize that these ceremonies can get drawn out and boring at times...especially if your kid isn't the one getting his name called. But if the adults can't show good manners, how can we expect an entire generation of children to do the same?

BTW, both Kyle and Lucas got awards for Honor Roll, and Lucas got the fourth grade citizenship award for Band. He let me hang his medal from my rear view mirror.

Family Jargon, Part 2

The Honda Fund: The giant AA battery gift tin and the loose change we store in it. I fill it with coins that I pull out of car ashtrays, sofa cushions, and the clothes dryer. Even so, the battery tin is only about one-inch full. It is my wish to be like that guy who used loose change to buy a pickup truck. Except I plan on stopping at the CoinStar first.

Camp Shower: The type of shower Q or I get when one of the boys decides to shower in their bathroom at the same time. So named because the water pressure is reminiscent of the semi-private showers one might find at a campground.

Utah Signs: Freeway signs so named because they are shaped like the state of Utah. (courtesy of Lucas)

Mars Cam: As seen on the local morning news. Footage taken from ADOT freeway cameras at sunrise. So named because on some mornings, the rising sun casts a glow that makes everything look red. (Courtesy of Lucas)

Piss Cam: See Mars Cam; replace red with yellow.

Road Sign Guy: The circle-headed, silhouette guy whose picture is mostly seen on school crosswalk signs. Road Sign Guy has branched out and is now found on graphic novelty t-shirts, water heater warning labels, and some IKEA furniture assembly manuals. He's very popular in our house.

Kyle Style: The inconsistent way in which Kyle unloads the dishwasher. The measuring cup that he put in the upper cabinet one day might get thrown in with the Tupperware the next. We once thought our cheese grater was gone forever until I found it lying inside the crock pot.

Double-Ended Laugh: A laugh so hearty and abrupt that it causes you to fart at the same time. Everyone does it. Admit it! (Courtesy of Quinton)

Throw-Up Pac-Man: Player 2 in Namco Museum's Pac-Man game. So named because he's green and looks like he's about to puke. (Courtesy of Kyle)

Flying TWA: TWA = Teenager With Attitude. Whenever Kyle has one of his bruting moments, is told no, or is otherwise pissed about something, we say he's "flying TWA".

Permanently Borrowed: The borrowing of an item that the lender doesn't immediately need returned. The item lives in the borrower’s garage, but the lender can call and ask for it back when and if he/she needs it. From my mom, I am PB-ing a compound miter saw and a matte cutter. And my sister and brother-in-law have "loaned" us a weight bench, a tile saw, and the cane that Q used while he was recovering from surgery.

Arizona Bathtub: The swimming pool. During the boys' summer vacation, I don't necessarily enforce daily showers as long as they've been out swimming that day. Use water wisely, People.

Arizona Hand Towel: Ratty old towel left outside for wiping hands while doing yard work. Use of the Arizona Hand Towel is usually preceded by dipping hands in the Arizona Bathtub.

The Stick of Power: The TV remote. (Courtesy of Quinton)

Family Jargon, Part 1

Thursday 13: Conveniences

A few weeks ago, kj posted a list of modern conveniences that make life easier. My list is below:

1. iPod: Changing CDs after 12 songs is just a pain in the butt. Plus, I can hear Pablo Cruise and Sammy Hagar concurrently. Try THAT with FM radio!

2. Memory stick: Or flash drive, or USB key, or whatever you choose to call it. This thing allows me to store work done at home and retrieve it on the school computers, or vice versa. I lose this thing so much that I should be wearing it around my neck like some sort of nerd bling. In fact, I probably would if it was pink instead of white and day-glow green (Q bought it).

3. Debit cards: I haven't gone inside the mini market to pay for gas in over 10 years!!!! I no longer carry a checkbook, either.

4. Live streaming: This allows me to listen to The Adam Carolla Show over the Internet. The former FreeFM station in Phoenix changed its format to bad pop music and rap last June. Imagine my surprise when the radio alarm went off and instead of hearing AC rant on about airport security, we got Paris Hilton music! Rude awakening, indeed!

5. Remote control for the ceiling fans: No more getting off the couch to adjust the fan speed.

6. Caller-ID: This feature came in REALLY handy when Q was sick. Some days, I wouldn't even answer the phone unless the readout indicated that the call was from the hospital. In those cases, it was usually Q calling to tell me he got his test results. Oh, and could I please bring him some clean t-shirts and when I come in tomorrow?

7. The on-screen program guide that comes with digital cable: We used to buy a Sunday newspaper just for the TV listing insert (and Parade magazine). Later, we'd see what's on by consulting the TV Guide Channel. The latter method was fine when the schedule scrolled up the whole length of the screen. Nowadays, TVGC is less TV Guide and more Channel. If it weren't for the on-screen guide, we'd probably get rid of digital cable. There are far too many crap channels on our cable system. Did you know there's a C-SPAN 3?

8. Cell phone: Surprisingly, I don't use mine that often. I make maybe 10 calls per week...most of which are to Quinton's office or to check on the boys. Sometimes the battery dies at the bottom of my purse. Even so, my cell phone is like a security blanket. I just know something bad is going to happen if I don't have it.

9. Swiffer SweeperVac: Lightweight and cordless, this battery-operated broom vac allows me to do quick sweep ups of dust bunnies, crumbs, and errant kitty litter. Definitely better than a broom and dust pan. I just wish it had better suction.

10. The ability to get cash back at the point of purchase: I don't understand why people complain about ATM fees. They are the easiest thing to avoid! Just go to the store, buy some beer and Cheetos, and pay with a debit card. When prompted, tell the little machine you want cash back, and how much. Most grocery stores big box retailers make this option available. And unlike an ATM--which only dispenses twenties and fifties--the cashier will break it down any way you wish. The only problem is, most places allow you to withdraw a limited amount...usually $40.

11. Air conditioning: Living in Phoenix, I use the car A/C year-round. Even in December, the inside of a parked car can reach 80 degrees, plus.

12. Spray-on sunscreen: This stuff is expensive and one can doesn't last very long...at least not around here. But application is quick and not nearly as messy as regular sunscreen.

13. Online bill pay: Check writing is down, and postage stamp use is WAY down. We only have a handful of expenses that require us to write a check and mail it. I only use online bill pay if it's free. There's an online service I could use to add money to the boys' school lunch account, but they want to charge a $2.50 transaction fee. To this I say: "Lucas, please drop off the lunch check on your way to band practice."

Report Cards

Today was report card day for the boys. They both made Honor Roll--all A's and B's. Yes, I like eating fruit from the bragging tree. :-)~

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Kyle got A's in Language Arts, Social Studies, Science (!), and a subject called Technology. He got B's in Math and PE. He's always had trouble with math so this B is major. As for PE, I don't put much stock in it...at least not in the program at this school.

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Lucas got A's in everything except Reading. He got a B there. And that's not too bad, considering that he's in the accelerated reading group (SAGE). This program is held separately from his regular class. In addition, he has to miss SAGE every Friday so he can participate in Band.

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I just hope they can keep it up for the final quarter. It's a little hard since it's 80 degrees outside, and spring fever has firmly entrenched itself in our house.

Sick Child Rigamarole

All last week, Lucas was fighting a head cold. On Saturday afternoon, he complained that his left ear hurt. I smell an ear infection.

The doctor's office was most likely closed, and I didn't want to make Lucas wait until Monday. So I decided to take him to the Minute Clinic inside CVS Drugstore. The nearest MC is located 5 miles away. And I figured that if it didn't work out, there was an Urgent Care place across the parking lot.

We got to the Minute Clinic, and I was pleasantly surprised. There was nobody waiting. In fact, the nurse practitioner on duty was talking on the phone. When she saw us signing in, she promtly finished her call.

The nurse, "Jackie" was very friendly. She took the signed treatment consent form, and processed my insurance card. She also asked a few basic questions--symptoms, other medications taken, drug allergies, etc.

She examined Lucas and he did indeed have an infection in his left ear. Jackie prescribed antibiotics and ear drops to relieve pain. She also had a copy of her diagnosis report sent to Lucas' primary care doctor. We were in and out of there in 15 minutes.

I probably should have had the prescriptions filled at CVS, but I opted to go to the Fry's Pharmacy near our house instead. They know us there. Besides, I simply prefer to have all our family's prescriptions on file at one place.

I was told that Luke's medicine would be ready in 20 minutes. No problem. I have other shopping to do anyway.

When we returned to the pharmacy, the line of people was 5 deep. Four of them were there to buy allergy medicine, which is now kept behind the pharmacy counter. So instead of filling my son's prescriptions, the pharmacist has to check ID, have customers sign a ledger, and ring up their drug purchases. Yes, there was a technician working too, but she was taking phone calls that appeared to be business-related.

I was incensed. These insipid meth-heads have made it impossible for regular people to buy Claritin right off the shelf. Instead, we have to jump through countless hoops...all in the quest for allergy relief. This causes valuable resources to be expended. And the pharmacist--a highly educated professional, who should be mixing antibiotics for my sick child--has been relegated to the role of gatekeeper for Sudafed.

On the bright side, Lucas' medicines cost the princely sum of $2.17. I even put my debit card away and paid cash. He's also feeling much better. The ear pain was gone by Saturday night, and he didn't have to miss out on any of the family Easter activities.