Family Jargon, Part 3

Special Recipe: The way Lucas makes microwave popcorn. He basically adds more melted butter and salt.

Mom's Special Recipe: Same as Lucas', but I add a dusting of garlic powder.

Fiesta Trained: This is how I describe Lucas. At age 10, that boy knows vintage Cobalt from Post-86 Sapphire (the two colors are very close). And when I take him to the antique mall, he can spot Ironstone Fiesta at 30 paces.

Dead Smoothie: A really foul odor. So named after the time I left an empty smoothie cup in the car. The combination of hot stagnant air and rotting mango residue made the whole interior smell bad. I didn't notice it--my sense of smell is rather scant. But Q and Lucas sure did when they used the car to run an errand. When they came home, Q implored me to throw my empty Jamba Juice cups away after I'm finished with them. Lucas cited that my car smells like "a dead smoothie".

Toy Cry: The really loud, low-pitched howling meow Jango makes when she has a toy in her mouth. She sounds like she's in excrutiating pain, but she just has a plastic milk jug seal clenched between her teeth.

The Overheater: It's what we call my last car, a Ford Explorer (please don't lynch me, Christopher...it was very handy when the boys were babies). Kyle started calling it The Overheater because it was doing just that. We sold the car shortly thereafter, but the name stuck. Now, that's what we call any mid-90s model Explorer we see on the road. My overheating incident occurred at:

The Death Corner: The intersection of 67th Avenue and Bell Road in north Glendale. So named because it is at this corner where I've had a disportionate amount of car trouble. Dead batteries...overheating (see above)... There may have been a flat tire or two. I was once at a store at there when the car just wouldn't start.

Impulse Chocolate: Example: You're standing in the checkout line at Linens 'n' Things armed with some washcloths and a soapdish. You also have a coupon for $5 off any purchase of $15 or more. The total comes to $14.38. You need just one more cheap item to be coupon eligible. You impulsively grab the nearest under $1 item and add it to your order, bringing the pre-coupon total to $15.22. Impulse Chocolate is so named because the hastily chosen item is usually chocolate, but it can be anything from a BIC lighter to a magnet ribbon.

The Bank of Lucas: This child hardly ever spends his money (he must get that from his dad). Except for the occasional candy purchase, most of his Christmas gift cards and birthday money have gone unspent. As a result, Lucas tends to step forward when Kyle needs a few extra dollars to afford that new video game. I once went to the B of L to break a twenty-dollar bill.

Wet Bed Head: This is a more disheveled version of regular bed head. WBH is the hairstyle that results when you take a shower then go to bed without first drying your hair.

Family Jargon, Part 1
Family Jargon, Part 2

Family Jargon, Part 2

The Honda Fund: The giant AA battery gift tin and the loose change we store in it. I fill it with coins that I pull out of car ashtrays, sofa cushions, and the clothes dryer. Even so, the battery tin is only about one-inch full. It is my wish to be like that guy who used loose change to buy a pickup truck. Except I plan on stopping at the CoinStar first.

Camp Shower: The type of shower Q or I get when one of the boys decides to shower in their bathroom at the same time. So named because the water pressure is reminiscent of the semi-private showers one might find at a campground.

Utah Signs: Freeway signs so named because they are shaped like the state of Utah. (courtesy of Lucas)

Mars Cam: As seen on the local morning news. Footage taken from ADOT freeway cameras at sunrise. So named because on some mornings, the rising sun casts a glow that makes everything look red. (Courtesy of Lucas)

Piss Cam: See Mars Cam; replace red with yellow.

Road Sign Guy: The circle-headed, silhouette guy whose picture is mostly seen on school crosswalk signs. Road Sign Guy has branched out and is now found on graphic novelty t-shirts, water heater warning labels, and some IKEA furniture assembly manuals. He's very popular in our house.

Kyle Style: The inconsistent way in which Kyle unloads the dishwasher. The measuring cup that he put in the upper cabinet one day might get thrown in with the Tupperware the next. We once thought our cheese grater was gone forever until I found it lying inside the crock pot.

Double-Ended Laugh: A laugh so hearty and abrupt that it causes you to fart at the same time. Everyone does it. Admit it! (Courtesy of Quinton)

Throw-Up Pac-Man: Player 2 in Namco Museum's Pac-Man game. So named because he's green and looks like he's about to puke. (Courtesy of Kyle)

Flying TWA: TWA = Teenager With Attitude. Whenever Kyle has one of his bruting moments, is told no, or is otherwise pissed about something, we say he's "flying TWA".

Permanently Borrowed: The borrowing of an item that the lender doesn't immediately need returned. The item lives in the borrower’s garage, but the lender can call and ask for it back when and if he/she needs it. From my mom, I am PB-ing a compound miter saw and a matte cutter. And my sister and brother-in-law have "loaned" us a weight bench, a tile saw, and the cane that Q used while he was recovering from surgery.

Arizona Bathtub: The swimming pool. During the boys' summer vacation, I don't necessarily enforce daily showers as long as they've been out swimming that day. Use water wisely, People.

Arizona Hand Towel: Ratty old towel left outside for wiping hands while doing yard work. Use of the Arizona Hand Towel is usually preceded by dipping hands in the Arizona Bathtub.

The Stick of Power: The TV remote. (Courtesy of Quinton)

Family Jargon, Part 1