Taking The High Road

A few weeks ago, we reassigned a few rooms in our house. Q's tiny little office was moved to the upstairs loft area that had served as the boys toy room. And the boy's sofa, desk, and TV were moved to the den. Photos of the newly designed rooms are pending. But for now, I don't deem them camera ready. Ironically, the boys' play room is cleaner than the office. (Q, are you listening?)

Shortly after the move, I decided that both rooms needed additional seating. Since I didn't want to spend money on furniture for those spaces, I took the partly torn wicker chairs (thanks, Jango!) from the family room and put one each in the den and the office.

This left the family room with only a couch and ottoman. Two new chairs were definately in order.

I immediately found this chair at Overstock.com. When I showed it to Q, he bristled that the price seemed "a little steep" and asked me to "hold off". Let the pouting begin.

Within days, I received an e-mail ad from Pier 1--because I'm on every retailer's e-mail list in America. The e-mail advertised a sale on some wicker furniture, and I took a liking to this less expensive chair. So I showed my second choice to Quinton. His response? "I like the ones at Overstock better." Sigh. I simply can't win with this guy.

I'm starting to think I've set the furniture bar too low. Much of the stuff we've gotten in the recent past was very inexpensive. The wicker chairs that were in the family room cost me only $30 each. The ottoman in the same room was $13. And let's not forget the goodwill! A fair amount of our furniture came from the goodwill of my mother, my sister, our neighbor, my cousin's ex-wive, and several others.

Don't get me wrong. I love that I have been able to furnish and decorate this house very nicely, and for not much money. In fact, it's a point of pride for me. But I would like to buy some nice, affordable chairs that don't require cleaning or a cosmetic overhaul. Besides, all the consignment stores in the area seem to be charging far too much money for crap.

Anyway, today, I was watching one of those HGTV shows where they redecorate a room only by using found objects and under-utilitized furnishings from other rooms in the house. Suddenly, I had a hankering to rearrange a few things around here. I moved some pictures to different walls. I put the boys' school-made pottery projects on display. Then I was struck with a brainstorm.

Two of our dining room chairs aren't used on a daily basis. I moved them into the family room as a temporary--and I do mean temporary, Q--replacement for the old wicker pair. Here's how they look:

When Q came home from work, it took him little awhile to notice the changes I had made. It took him even longer to notice the dining chairs in the family room. But once he did, I was quick to remind him that I'm saving him us a few hundred dollars.

I'm still in the market for new chairs for this space. But in the meantime, I had taken a route that I don't travel often--the high road. And to Quinton, I'm going to milk it for all it's worth.

The Heat Is On

The 92 degree highs were nice while they lasted.

The "Get Off My TV List", Part 2

--Commercials that offer teaser rate mortgages.

--Those eHarmony commercials where the couples are so sickeningly sweet on each other. Get these people off the TV before diabetes sits in.

--War movies (My dad would be spinning in his grave if he heard me say that.)

--Monk marathons. Seriously people...one episode, once a week is enough!

--Reruns of The Nanny (About a year ago, Lifetime yanked Designing Women in favor of The Nanny. For this, I will never forgive them)

--The GMC commercials where the jingle is Modern English's I Melt With You sung lullaby style. (one more reason why my next car will be Japanese).

--The Baldwins...The Olsens....The Simpsons (and I don't mean Homer and company)

--Those Jenny Craig commercials where Kirstie Alley mercilessly butchers the pronounciation of my first name. ("Vah-REE!")

--"Negative equity applied to new loan balance".

--Those teenage brats who force their mom to get a second job as a giant taco costume-wearing spectacle in order to subsidize their unlimited texting habits.

--WWE, Smackdown, and their ilk. (Don't tell that to the neighbor boy!)

--News teasers. Just tell us, already! Don't make us wait until the final segmant! On second thought, I'll just turn off your program and consult the Internet.

--Paris' jail saga monopolizing airtime on otherwise respectable news stations. Only in America can this be considered newsworthy.

Littering Made Legal?

Having been a homeowner almost my entire adult life, I am used to finding flyers and handbills on my front door. They have ranged from jumbo-sized door hangers with pizza coupons to simple business cards advertising a house cleaning business. We also get paper ads for satellite TV, house painting, carpet cleaning, pest control, petsitting services, and realtors. But I find that the most flyers are sent out by landscaping companies.

These things are commonly circulated by a guy walking door-to-door. But not always.

In recent years, business owners have found a way to get their company name on every house without ever leaving the comfort of their air conditioned cars. They place their ads or business cards inside plastic baggies with a few pieces of gravel. The gravel is necessary to weigh the ad down so it won't blow away. They then drive through neighborhoods and chuck these baggie rock ads out the car window, onto sidewalks and driveways.

The way I was raised, that's called littering...unless it's the newspaper. But I've decided to make lemonade out of lemons. I toss the gravel in my front yard and throw the rest in the trash. At the current rate, all the bare areas of our desert landscaping should soon be filled in.

But now the distributors are kicking things up a notch. Yesterday, I was the lucky recipient of driveway litter that employed two new weight methods:

The first was a flyer attached to a clothes pin. No problem, I can always use another clothes pin. They're great for keeping Jango's kitty litter bags closed. The ad was for a house painting service. Apparently, these guys don't have ready access to gravel like the landscapers do.

The second was a landscaping coupon that was stapled to a small wood block. This one made me angry. It was tossed in the driveway, just right of center, but in the path of my car tire. I was able to straddle the offending object, and still park without encroaching on Q's half of the garage. But I was left fuming at the possibiltiy that I could have driven over this unwanted piece of trash and done some damage to one of the tires.

In my neighborhood, these flyers have become quite pervasive. If residents don't remove them at least daily, the front of the house will look like a Xerox machine threw up on it. And a house covered in paper ads is also ripe for a break-in. For this reason, I have to hire a neighbor kid just to pick up our flyers when we go on vacation.

In the meantime, I have decided to boycott any and all businesses who choose to ugly up my driveway with their rocks and wood. To them I say this: If you want me to even consider spending money at your establishment, you would be wise to--at minimun--walk your flyer all the way to my front door. Or better yet, make it into a post card and mail it to me. That way, I can throw it away on my way back from the mailbox.

Generation Text

By now, everyone with a TV has seen the ad where the tweenage girl runs up her cell phone bill with frequent text messages to her "BFF, Jill". In the commercial, the girl speaks to her mother in a series of acronyms that are understood only by the under 20 set. The commercial even has subtitles!

Well now, this lingo has infiltrated my home. Here's the exchange I had with Lucas this afternoon:

"Thank you for helping me unload the groceries."

"NP."

"You have to pee?"

"No. No Problem."

"Oh...I get it!"

He's talked this way before. But his abbreviated speech has been limited to the jargon that came about back when the Internet was brand new: LOL...OMG...BTW, etc. But the last incarnation of electronic text-as-speech has me completely perplexed.

I guess I have no problem with the boys talking text. Just as long as they don't mind my taking all the fun out of it by asking what WU means.

This Is What Summer Should Be

Summer in the Phoenix area is legendary for being hot--very, VERY hot. In fact, temperatures can be--and often are--more than 30 degrees hotter than those above.

For the last few days, it's been a different story. Children were playing in pick-up basketball games all over the neighborhood instead of holing up in air conditioned homes, playing video games. I was able to put the top down on the convertible without using the air conditioning.

Earlier this week, we were pet sitting for my sister's dog. Going outside to play fetch and take her for walks all over the neighborhood was not a chore.

We're going to enjoy it while we can. Before we know it, the high temperature will be approaching 120 and a dip in the pool will provide little relief.

Gotta Watch 'Em All

All week long, the boys have been on looking forward to this weekend's Pokemon marathon on Cartoon Network. They have talked of little else since Wednesday afternoon. Apparently, their plan is to go to bed at 8:30 (on a Friday night!) and wake up at 6:00 (on a Saturday morning!) to catch the 30+ hour marathon from the beginning. Apparently, every episode and movie will be shown.

Meanwhile, Q and I will most likely partake of some quiet, child-free time out by the pool.

Boys vs. Girls

My sister and I are always discussing the differences between raising girls verses raising boys. She's the mommy of two little girls, while I have the boys. She speaks of the interpersonal drama and high degree of maintenance that she deals with on a daily basis. Girls hold more grudges, while boys will forget just about any quarrel by the next day...at the latest. Most girls are picky about the clothes they wear. Boys (mine in particular) will wear whatever I bring home from the Old Navy clearance rack.

For a lot of reasons, it would seem that boys are easier than girls. And in a lot of ways they are. But there are a few things that the parents of girls are much less likely to deal with:

--snot rockets

--that smell

--scrubbing pee out of the tile grout

--two weeks of worth dirty socks under the bed

--farting contests

--Yu-Gi-Oh

--wondering where those hands have been

--whining about being bored at the mall

--shirtlessness at the dinner table

--pee fountains. pee races. pee jokes. the whole idea that pee can be funny.

--calling Mom and Dad into the bathroom to see what they made

--belching for laughs

--mystery stains

--bicycle tire grime on the new bath towels

--A family budget where AA batteries have their own category

--The fact that the liquid soap dispenser in their bathroom almost never needs to be refilled.

--skid marks

--the suicide mix

--bare feet that are blacker than the street in which they were playing

Happy Birthday, Jango.

Truthfully, we don't know when Jango's birthday is. But it was one year ago today when we adopted her from the shelter, so we have decided to proclaim May 24th as Jango's birthday.

Life with Jango didn't start out so swimmingly. For starters, she spent her first few weeks here living quietly under Kyle's bed. Thankfully, she came out at night to use her litter box. But in time, she came to realize that we are not going to hurt or abandon her. She can count on us for lots of love, frequent brushing, ample food, and fresh sink water.

In the time that she has been with us, Jango has become a fifth member of the family. She sleeps on the back of the sofa cushion while the rest of us watch TV. She seeks out one of the boys when she wants someone to play with her. She keeps Kyle's bed warm for him. And--much to Q's dismay--she has become our pre-dawn alarm clock. I'm beginning to think that Jango might be part rooster. Yesterday, she got me up at 5:00.

But most of all, Jango likes to keep tabs on me. If I leave room, she follows me and carries on these mostly one-sided conversations the entire time. For the most part, this isn't a problem. But when I was working on a sewing project, Jango would jump on the table and pace around in front of my sewing machine. That's when I took her into Kyle's room and enlisted him to babysit the kitty until I'm done. Jango spent the rest of the afternoon napping in Kyle's beanbag.

Speaking of Kyle, he loves Jango almost as much as I do. In fact, I have informed him that when he grows up and gets his own place, he can take Jango to live with him...just like I did with my childhood cat.

A few other facts:

Jango has also acquired quite a few nicknames. These include: Jangs, Siamese Muffinhead, Jiggers, The Meeze, Jango the Beautiful (this one came from Ces), Puppy Cat (this one comes from her propensity to play fetch), Chocolate Girl, and Fluppet.

Early on, I bought Jango a few cat toys. But she quickly rejected all of them. Instead, she prefers to play with trash. Her favorite playthings include wadded up Kleenex, plastic grocery bags, candy wrappers that are used for peppermint disks, wadded up Scotch tape, and those little plastic seals that encircle the caps of milk jugs. We probably have about six dozen of those things lying around the house.

Her favorite hiding spot is in the corner of my closet, under a rack of dresses that hang all the way to the floor.

Jango has her own little window perch in our bedroom. I built it by stacking two milk crates upside-down, covering them with a white sheet, and placing a pillow on top. She likes to sit in that window, watch cars go by, take naps, get agitated at the loud birds in the tree outside, and take more naps.

Jango is a big girl, and should probably be put on a diet. When she runs, her belly sways from side to side. Admittedly, it's kind of funny to watch.

Happy Birthday, Jango. This is your day. Why don't you celebrate by sleeping in...at least until 6:30. Please?

The "Get Off The Airwaves" List

--TV poker
--Personal injury trial lawyer ads
--Auto racing
--J.G. Wentworth ads
--Britney...Paris...Lindsay...Lindsay's Mom...
--Riches in Real Estate infomercials
--The Fox News Channel
--reruns of Mama's Family
--Greg Behrendt (I'm sorry, but the guy is difficult to look at)
--The Golf Channel
--Any Flavor-Flav-derived reality spectacle on VH-1
--The Geico gecko commercials. How could such an annoying and unfunny ad campaign come from the same company that brought us the cavemen?
--Tim Russert
--The Girls Next Door
--"Mark Mitsubishi...MARK Mitsubishi" (All two of my local readers will understand this one)

Men, Women, and Shopping

Stages of Life

Male Stages of Life

DRINK

17 - beer
25 - vodka
35 - scotch
48 - double scotch
66 - Maalox


SEDUCTION LINE

17 - My parents are away for the weekend.
25 - My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 - My fiance is away for the weekend.
48 - My wife is away for the weekend.
66 - My second wife is dead.


FAVORITE SPORT

17 - sex
25 - sex
35 - sex
48 - sex
66 - napping


DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17 - "tongue"
25 - "breakfast"
35 - "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 - "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 - "Got home alive."


FAVORITE FANTASY

17 - getting to third
25 - airplane sex
35 - menage a trois
48 - taking the company public
66 - Swiss maid/Nazi love slave


FAVORITE HOUSE PET

17 - roaches
25 - stoned-out college roommate
35 - German Shepherd
48 - children from his first marriage
66 - Barbie


WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

17 - 25
25 - 35
35 - 48
48 - 66
66 - 17


------------------------------------------------

Female Stages of Life

DRINK

17 - Wine Coolers
25 - White wine
35 - Red wine
48 - Dom Perignon
66 - Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

17 - Need to wash my hair
25 - Need to wash and condition my hair
35 - Need to colour my hair
48 - Need to have Francois colour my hair
66 - Need to have Francois colour my wig

FAVORITE SPORT

17 - shopping
25 - shopping
35 - shopping
48 - shopping
66 - shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17 - "Burger King"
25 - "Free meal"
35 - "A diamond"
48 - "A bigger diamond"
66 - "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY

17 - tall, dark and handsome
25 - tall, dark and handsome with money
35 - tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 - a man with hair
66 - a man

HOUSE PET

17 - Muffy the cat
25 - Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 - German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
48 - Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 - Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

17 - 17
25 - 25
35 - 35
48 - 48
66 - 66

IDEAL DATE

17 - He offers to pay
25 - He pays
35 - He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 - He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 - He can chew his breakfast

Duh!

I usually see these commercials on the weekends when Q is watching a Diamondbacks game. These ads bug me on so many levels. First of all, nobody is THAT stupid. Second, they're a total scam. According to the fine print, each text costs $16.

Ms. Val's Bargain of the Week

I have long believed that best stuff is found when you're looking for something else. Yesterday, I went to Big Lots in search of accessories for Q's new office. There was nothing good in that part of the store, but as I was about to leave, I wandered through the pool toy aisle. There, I found a treasure trove of rafts, beach balls, floaties, tubes, noodles, and these goggle packs:
6 pairs of goggles of $4. I'm not sure about the quality, but then I don't expect them--or any of our other pool toys--to last through August...if we're lucky. Around here, if the kids don't do damage, the weather will. The sun and heat will fade and weaken anything made of plastic. And an evening windstorm will send an inflatable raft sailing all the way into La Paz County...if it doesn't get punctured on a cactus first.

It seems that whether a raft costs $3 or $30, it's useful life is pretty much the same. That's why I've resorted to buying the cheap stuff and replacing it every year. I suppose I could curtail wear and tear on the pool toys by bringing them indoors when not in use. But I'm not willing to turn my family room into a storehouse for garish dayglow inflatables.

As for the goggles, if a strap breaks, there's a replacement pair at the ready. Also, I won't have to deal with four kids fighting over three pairs.

I'm probably going to have to buy another pack.

Happy Mother's Day to Me!

For awhile, I had been nosing around ebay, seeking out a piece of Harlequin Fiesta in the spruce color. Specifically, I had been wanting either a nut dish or an egg cup. Well, Q had apparently been studying my ebay watch list because he found a spruce egg cup and gave it to me for Mother's Day. As a bonus, he bought me the rose egg cup as well.

Kyle kept really quiet about his Mother's Day gift. On Sunday morning, he presented me with a piece of paper that had been folded no fewer than eighteen times. It was his progress report--all A's and B's!!!!! I'm so proud. I reminded him that if he can keep this up for another week and a half, he'll make the Honor Roll.

Lucas gave me a card in which he described my features: ears with cat-like hearing...green eyes to watch me...shiny red hair...nose: totally useless...can't smell a thing...mouth to smile with and to eat and talk with, too. Enclosed was a coupon book for free Double-Three (double scoop of ice cream, three toppings), free bed making, free back walking, and free 2 hours of Dr. Mario, popcorn, and Pepsi. All coupons expire on Tuesday.

Redundant?

He Does All His Own Stunts, Part 6

Lucas attended his best friend's birthday party at an indoor rock climbing gym. I just wish I had remembered to bring the regular camera instead of having to use the one on my phone.

Under Construction

I finished school last week, but the boys have 2 1/2 weeks left. Yesterday was my first day of the quiet solitude that I will get to enjoy until I have to endure days of fighting, complaining, and whining that "I'm bored". The next few weeks will almost be like a mini vacation that happens from 8 to 4 everyday.

And I plan to spend much of that time organizing and moving the boys TV, video games, and toys from the large upstairs loft area down to the much smaller den. And I'll be moving Q's desk, computer equipment, and books up to the area formerly known as the toyroom.

And this project has taken on a life of it's own. What started out as a simple paring down of stuff and moving of furniture has turned into a full-on redecorating project. For starters, TAFKATTR has been painted a golden mustard yellow. Now, the search is on for a very nice, yet very cheap ceiling fan and new window treatments.

Here's how the toyroom looked before. Unfortunately, I neglected to take these pictures before the dismantling began.
When we bought this house 8 years ago, the boys were much smaller and we made this their space for spreading out toys. They would build entire room-sized train track layouts, create entire towns and parking lots with wood blocks and Hot Wheels, and generally make messes that were sequestered from the rest of the house.

In recent years, this room got used less for toys and more for TV watching and video games. Also, the elliptical and weight bench invaded the space.

This room started life as our home office. On days when he would work from home, Q would set up shop in here. But during the dog days of Cushing's Syndrome, he moved his laptop out to the living room, where he would read e-mails and take phone calls while lying on the couch.

While Q was in the hospital, I used this room as a dumping ground for insurance statements, tax papers, and other important crap that I didn't want to deal with at the time. It's also a storehouse for books, old magazines, winter coats, obsolete computer peripherals, and all my purses. There is no organization whatsoever.

Well, times have changed and we now need more space than the boys do. I now face the daunting task of packing up these rooms and getting them ready for the mini-move. I anticipate that the dumpster will be overflowing by the end of the day.

I'm Sew Done With School...

...at least for the semester. Below are photos of my final project that I made for home sewing class. I'm pretty proud of the way it turned out. But then, the instructor gave me a perfect score of 300 points. Although, she did admit that she graded everyone very generously.

Also, I felt that I got off easy because everyone else in the class made curtains...some of which employed very complicated techniques. One lady made drapes with goblet pleating and ornamental piping and tassels strung through them. Another lady made custom quality curtains with a matching reversible valance. Since I didn't need curtains--or even possess the confidence to take on such a large scale project--I figured I'd make something I do need--a reversible table runner.

The "A" side. The photos don't do this piece justice. Shiny organza fabric is rather difficult to photograph. Plus, my dining room is kind of dark.



The runner matches perfectly with the cinnabar, cobalt, shamrock, and plum Fiesta, and the amber water goblet.
The "B" Side.

Here's a few things I learned in the class:

--SAS Fabrics by the Pound only takes cash or checks...no credit or debit cards. I found this out the hard way when I showed up there with $13 and a debit card. Good thing I was able to buy what I needed for $10 and change.

--Thread multiplies. When you clip loose threads and fibers off a project and let them fall to the floor, they will to reproduce. Later, they will go into hiding whenever I bring out the vaccuum cleaner. Just like Christmas tree needles, I'll be finding miniscule sewing remnants until Halloween.

--Your good scissors will always disappear when you need them most.

--The seam ripper is your best friend.

--A 4" seam allowance is NOT too much. You can always trim it down to 5/8" later.

--There's no such thing as a quick stop at the fabric store.

--The dining room table makes a great flat area for spreading out, measuring, and cutting fabric.

--The kitchen table is too small for family dinners.

--JOANN Fabrics' 40% off coupons are worth their weight in gold.

--Siamese cats REALLY love taking naps in the middle of your project. Keep a lint roller handy!

--It takes no fewer than four tries to get a zipper installed correctly.

--I was told that thread has a limited shelf life. And in the dry Arizona climate, it has an even shorter shelf life. I'm just not exactly sure what happens to items sewn with expired thread. Will they get thread poisoning? Will I have to take the article to fabric hospital to get its fibers pumped?

--All ironing board covers are NOT created equal.

--Taffeta shows every needle and pin hole long after the pin or thread has been removed.

--There are some types of tassles, fringing, piping, and trims that cost 95 DOLLARS per yard. We found this out on a field trip to a custom curtain shop. The wonderful ladies in the sewing room even let us HOLD and TOUCH that stuff.

--The best selection of home decorating fabrics is at Fabric Depot at Cave Creek and Bell in north Phoenix. I just wish they would open a store in the northwest part of city.

How To Use an ATM Machine

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Roll down your car window

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt

6. Roll up window

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine

2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine

3. Re-start stalled engine

4. Roll down the window

5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card

6. Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror

7. Attempt to insert card into machine

8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from car

9. Insert card

10. Re-insert card the right way up

11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page

12. Enter PIN

13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN

14. Enter amount of cash required

15. Re-check make-up in rear view mirror

16. Retrieve cash and receipt

17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and put cash inside

18. Place receipt in back of checkbook

19. Re-check make-up again

20. Drive forward ten feet

21. Reverse back to cash machine

22. Retrieve card

23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder and place card into the slot provided

24. Re-check make-up

25. Re-start stalled engine and move off

26. Drive for 3 - 4 miles

27. Release hand brake