Arizona Barbie Dolls

Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition Barbie dolls For the Arizona market:

Scottsdale Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Scottsdale Fashion Square. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign lapdog named Honey, and a semi-custom dream house with a Saguaro cactus in front. Available with or without tummy tuck and facelift. Workaholic ex-husband Ken comes with squeeze-me Skipper and a Ferrari.

Chandler Barbie: This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym suit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately. Can swear in English or Spanish.

Apache Junction Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, bowie knife, a 78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth-lab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be bought with cash, preferably small bills, unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

Ahwatukee Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card set, and country club membership. Also available are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. Ahwatukee Barbie hasn't been affordable since the early 80's.

Mesa Barbie: Pale Blonde shoulder length hair and blue eyes with android-expression, complete with bible in one hand and a crucifix in the other. This Barbie sports a special limited edition "What Would Jesus Do?" sweatshirt and drives an American car with an "Abortion Stops a Beating Heart" sticker. Sedan also available with "Focus on the Family" bumper sticker.

Goodyear Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a classic Metallica shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. Wants to major in NASCAR at EMCC. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Available at Ross.

Van Buren Barbie/Ken: This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the "snap-on" parts.

El Mirage Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Goodyear Barbie's (discontinued) house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip-gloss, and a see-through halter-top. Comes with Barbie's dream doublewide trailer. Available at Wal-Mart. Cheap.

Anthem Barbie: moved into the most family friendly community in Arizona, but none of the Barbies stay home with their kids. All Barbies are blonde and look way older than they really are. The Starbucks cup is permanently glued to her hand. She constantly complains of scorpions and the I-17 traffic. Ken drives an Explorer and comes with a golf club set. Skipper comes with her own anti-depression pills and laptop to keep up on MySpace since there is nothing to do here.

Sedona Barbie: This collagen injected, rhinoplastic (nose job) Barbie wears leopard print spandex, and drinks cosmopolitans to new age music with friends at the lodge. She's into crystals. Comes with Percocet prescription and two alimony checks. Also cheap.

Phoenix Barbie: This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a G.E.D. and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

Flagstaff Barbie: This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow." She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Flagstaff Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.

Gilbert Barbie: Is pregnant, drives a new Ford Excursion and is perfect in every way. We don't know who Ken is because he's always away hunting or in Japan on business. Gilbert Barbie aspires to become Scottsdale Barbie. Not cheap, but still very naive.

Tucson Barbie: Into basketball and marijuana. Dropped out of PCC. Does nothing but complain about Phoenix Barbie.

Sun City Barbie/Ken: These dolls are going fast! Well, what we mean is they're old and don't have much time left. Both write checks for everything or pay in change, and can provide hours of endless repetitive conversation about "The good ol' days." Drives a golf cart, signals right to turn left. Can be seen in Barbie Grocery Store (sold separately) arguing over prices. Available at the doctor's office.

Glendale/Arrowhead Barbie: Owns mini van or SUV bearing vanity plates and the CCV and multiple "my kid is (pick any NUMBER of wonderful adjectives)" stickers. Lives in Tuscan or Santa Fe style-home with 2.5 children, one dog, one cat (optional). Ken works as a police officer/firefighter/realtor/construction supervisor. Arrowhead Barbie is fit and fashionable but frugal (she does, after all, help to pay the mortgage), she works outside the home AND in the home, hosts small groups and monthly gatherings of friends and family, does not know how to form the word "no" on her lips and comes with bruise permanently tattooed on forehead from banging head against the wall in frustration because her plate is far too full!

Tempe Barbie: Loves booze, Einstien's bagels, and shorts with stuff written across the ass. Is experiencing way too much life to have a Ken doll, a clean apartment, or job that starts before noon. Is probably late for class right now, cuz she can't remember where she parked her white 2001 Civic Coupe. Comes in two models: light blonde and dark blonde. Thinks she saw P.Diddy at Fat Tuesday's.

Bullhead City Barbie: Could very easily have been Kingman Barbie, but all of a sudden a few nice housing developments and new restaurants that aren't in Havasu makes Bullhead City Barbie think she's hot stuff. Works across the river in Laughlin as a cocktail waitress, pretending getting pinched in the ass 500 times a day makes for a good job. Still lives in a doublewide that costs $500,000 due to housing inflation, but plans on moving to Laughlin Ranch someday, once that meth-lab pays off. Ken now works for the city of Bullhead, but used to work for the city in Lake Havasu.

Kingman Barbie: Looks like she might have been attractive, but something tragic happened in the final stages of manufacturing at the Mattel plant. Lives with Ken the Cable Guy (Git 'R Done!) who is missing many of his teeth. She works at one of the convenience stores, smoke four packs a day and wonders why her teeth are yellow. Complains about Havasu Barbie thinking she's such hot stuff, but secretly wants to be her. Comes with a brown 1982 Chevy pickup truck. Ken the Cable Guy comes with an old aluminum bass tracker and a white '78 Camaro that hasn't run in 10 years, but Ken plans on fixing it up.

Lake Havasu City Barbie: Was LA Barbie, but decided to sell her Malibu mansion and move to Lake Havasu where she and big-ass truck towing big-ass boat-driving Ken frequently vacationed. She's starting to show her middle age, all except her boobs, which are only 10 years old. She has two kids, but who knows where they are? Besides, she and Ken have their own lives to live, going to Red Room and out on the lake. Comes with big truck, big boat, 350Z and a stack of letters from collections agents.