Sage Advice

The following item appeared in yesterday's Dear Abby. I could have written it. In fact, I could probably write an addendum regarding phone calls.

FOLLOW THESE BASIC RULES WHEN VISITING TERMINALLY ILL

DEAR ABBY: I have just returned from visiting a close friend in the next town. She was exhausted from caring for her husband, who has terminal cancer -- but even more so from the many visits from loving friends and relatives around the country.

I experienced the same thing a few years ago, so I'm hoping you will help me to inform people of some basic rules for visiting families going through this profoundly trying experience.

Don't go for a "vacation," but rather to lend support -- and only if there is no objection.

Go healthy. Remember, the patient has no immunity after chemotherapy.

Provide your own transportation. Stay in a motel unless the home is large and the hostess has asked you to stay.

Keep visits short and positive. Long conversations are exhausting.

Provide food, preferably ready-cooked for simplicity, and do the cleanup.

Leave the house for periods of time (even a day or two) so the family can resume their medical routine.

Change the bed if you stay in the home. Remember, there is no maid service.

And last, require nothing of the family. There is nothing left for them to give.

Thank you, Abby, for letting me speak for so many.
-- GOT IT OFF MY CHEST

DEAR GOT IT: Well said. I particularly like your recommendations to stay someplace other than the home, to keep visits short so as not to deplete the patient, and not to expect to be entertained in any way. In life-or-death situations, the normal rules of hospitality do not apply, so ask not what your hosts can do for you, but what you can do for them -- and abide by what they tell you.

Arizona Rain Dance

It doesn't rain in Phoenix very often, but it did yesterday. The showers were unexpected and very brief, but I did manage to get caught in a downpour. Here's how to ensure that it will rain:

--Carry a suede purse.

--Have a really good hair day.

--Wash your car. Rain chances will more than triple if you go to the auto spa and spring for the VIP Platinum service instead of doing it yourself at home.

--Set a few newly washed cashmere sweaters outside to dry, and forget about them.

--Leave the convertible parked with the top down.

--Wear your favorite leather sandals.

--Forget to close the windows before leaving for the day.

--Accidentally leave your umbrella in your husband's/friend's/sister's/boss's car.

--Run the sprinklers and water all plants.

Additional ideas would be appreciated. We could sure use more rain here.

How Rude!

Yesterday, the boys' school had their end-of-the-year awards assemblies. There were two ceremonies: one for the elementary grades, and one for junior high. And since both boys were receiving awards, we attended both.

At the start of the 3rd-6th grade ceremony, it was standing room only. By the time it ended, only a few dozen people remained. The 7th-8th grade ceremony ended with less than that. Apparently, parents saw no problem with exhibiting poor etiquette and leaving immediately after their kids received their awards.

I realize some families may have had prestanding commitments. The principal even deviated from the written program and gave awards to a group of kids who needed to get to soccer practice. And then there was the family with a cranky toddler. But I truly find it hard to believe that so many people had other legitimate plans. Most likely, they just wanted to get home in time to watch TMZ.

I feel bad for the kids who got their awards last. In this case, it was the band students. They got far less applause than the honor roll students, who were announced at the beginning.

I know that it's difficult to sit on hard laminate cafeteria benches for long periods. My butt was numb after an hour. And I realize that these ceremonies can get drawn out and boring at times...especially if your kid isn't the one getting his name called. But if the adults can't show good manners, how can we expect an entire generation of children to do the same?

BTW, both Kyle and Lucas got awards for Honor Roll, and Lucas got the fourth grade citizenship award for Band. He let me hang his medal from my rear view mirror.

What's Wrong With This Picture? Part 2

Today, I was cleaning off the kitchen counter, and I came across this receipt:

So what's wrong with it? Yep, the genius who programmed the cash register thinks we live in Arkansas.

I shouldn't be surprised. As a lifelong Arizonan, I've seen this very same mistake made a lot. But dammit, if publishers and businesses can't get their geography straight, how can the general public be expected to do the same?

Attention to detail, people!

Yesterday in "Dear Abby":

DEAR ABBY: I'm 13, and I have a problem with my parents. They have been having sex. That's not the problem, except for the fact that they don't wait for me to fall asleep before doing it. Tonight they had sex before saying goodnight! How do I confront them about this? -- FREAKED OUT IN ALAMEDA, CALIF.

DEAR FREAKED OUT: Tonight at dinner, say, "Mom, Dad, I think it's time we talked about the facts of life. The first fact of life is, I'm not deaf."

My Response: Be grateful, Honey. Be grateful that your parents are still together and that they still like love each other. Most kids your age aren't so lucky.

Also, there are worse things in life than overhearing your parents have sex with each other. You could be hearing them do it with other people.

Now, go close your door and listen to your iPod, Dear.