On My Soapbox

I am addicted to HGTV. I can watch home and remodeling shows all day. I have even adapted some of these decorating tips into my own home. And when my mother-in-law visits, she and I bond over this stuff.

But my favorite home shows are the ones that pertain to real estate and home buying. They’re unrealistic. They’re so badly acted its funny. They’re funnier, in fact, than anything on network TV.

My Farced Place
I’m finding it increasingly difficult to watch My First Place on HGTV. Too many of these “first places” are outfitted with refinished hardwoods, original leaded glass accent windows, and fireplaces with complete mantles and dentil molding. Oh, and the homeowners are these lovesick undergrads who found the dough to fashionably escape the Animal House lifestyle.

Once—just once—I’d like to the decorators revamp a home with pee-stained shag carpeting, faux wood laminate countertops, mirror tiles with gold veining Liquid Nailed to the bedroom ceiling, and velvet wallpaper. The owner: a single mom who works three jobs to buy food, gas, clothing, and health insurance for her family.

I'm Flipping Out
Shows like Flip This House, Flip That House (yes, they are two different shows), and Property Ladder are train wrecks that you just can’t not watch. My favorite episodes are the ones where a quick-cash hungry Barbie girl takes on a $400K mortgage for a dilapidated 2 bedroom cottage.

The place reeks of urine. The walls are covered with char marks where a meth lab exploded. And there’s an oil drum in the living room that squatters had used for heat. But her hopes are high! Armed with a 2-week deadline and a $50,000 budget, Barbie is going to turn this place into Xanadu and sell it for $899,990.

But first thing’s first. Barbie hops in her H3, and heads to the home improvement warehouse. There, she picks up 24 inch travertine tile, cherry hardwood flooring, and orders a whirlpool bathtub just like one she saw on MTV Cribs.

8 weeks and $120,000 later, the newly-laid travertine flooring is ripped out to repair a foundation leak. The house is covered in a termite tent. And the $5,000 bathtub is sitting on the back porch, half full of muddy rainwater. Foreclosure is looming large and the thrice delayed open house is TOMORROW!!!!!

House Already Hunted
The early seasons of HGTV’s House Hunters were all too predictable. The buyers always got the third house they saw (or second if they were outbid on the third). Yawn. The format has since been tweaked a bit. The buyers are still shown three houses, but the viewers are kept guessing as to which house will ultimately be chosen.

Ah, but it’s still predictable. In fact, House Hunters is faker than a Gucci bag in Santee Alley. If you watch closely, the buyers almost always pick the house that was shown unfurnished during their “tour”. And that’s because they already picked it! They have probably already closed escrow by the time the tour is badly reenacted for the cameras. I’ll bet there’s even a loaded Bekins van around the corner waiting for the camera crew to clear out.

At least they stopped doing the fake phone call where a lady squeals to her husband: “Honey, we got the house!” Now, if they would just give us viewers the asking prices on these houses. Yep, I’m nosey that way. That and I like to see how people trying to sell a house don’t attempt to decorate or even clear off the kitchen counters.