Family Jargon

Every social group, culture, and sub-culture has their own brand of slang that is known only to them. Below is a list of buzzwords and their meanings that we often use around here.

"Dog Food in a Barrel!": This is my "safe" cuss word. I use this in times of frustration when an F or S bomb is considered inappropriate. Translation: I use it often.

Valimony: Ms. Val's mad money. Valimony is mostly used to fund my little frivolities like new clothes, dishes, and my smoothie addiction.

"The Rule": Around here, it is a big no-no for one person to use two of the same color Fiesta dishes at a meal. Example: if someone is caught eating off a tangerine plate and drinking from a tangerine mug, he will be taken outside and dealt with accordingly.

Siamese Daylight Time: The time standard by which Jango thinks we should all be living. Someone needs to be awake by the time she deems appropriate. Sometimes Usually daylight isn't even necessary. SDT is controlled by the....

Siamese Alarm Clock: See above.



Q's Pets: Q's pets are a cache of old, worthless, outdated computer components that Q has acquired over time. He just can't stand to get rid of this stuff. Whenever his office attempts to discard a box of parts, Q gathers it up, brings it home, and adopts it like an unwanted litter of puppies. The pets include boxy monitors, cases, motherboards, dirty yellowed keyboards, and cables of every size and shape. The pets have taken up semi-permanent residence in our guest room. But once in a great while, one of the pets will be pulled from the herd and put into use.


Pig Tour: One of our favorite family rituals (Kyle goes nuts when I announce it) involves putting every ice cream flavor and topping we have on the dining room table and making ginormous ice cream sundaes that just about make us sick. A complete explanation with photos can be seen here.


Good Girl/Bad Girl: This is how I inform Q of how much money I spent on a shopping trip. If I tell him "I was a good girl at Target today", that means I only bought the necessities, spent very little money, or no money at all. If I tell him "I was a bad girl at the mall", that means I need him to help me unload the car.

Middle Age Sex Music: This is what Lucas calls the sappy 70s-era soft rock that I like to listen to. Examples include music by Captain and Tennille, Dr. Hook, Jefferson Starship, Roberta Flack, and Carly Simon. I like to refer to this music as...


Prozac Radio: See above.

Adam Carolla Moment: Lucas came up with this one. An Adam Carolla Moment occurs when I go off and start ranting about the injustices of life...just like AC himself often does on his radio show. One of my ongoing gripes pertains to a news story that comes up quite frequently in the Phoenix area: babies and young children who are bruised, shaken, beaten, maimed, injured, or murdered at the hands of their mother's boyfriend. Not husband. Not even fiancee. BOYFRIEND!!!! The guy's name probably isn't even on the lease, and.... Sorry. Back on topic: whenever I have one of these my little fits, Luke points out: "Uh-oh...Mom's having another Adam Carolla moment." Unfortunately AC is no longer on the radio in Phoenix.

Daddy Pizza: The thin-crust pizza perfected by the man himself. Toppings include Italian sausage, yellow peppers, carmelized onions, black olives, and mushrooms. Q also makes a pepperoni version for the boys. He varies the crust recipe every time. Sometimes he adds more olive oil, sometimes less. Sometimes he includes chopped black olives. But the one mainstay is a dusting of corn meal on the bottom of every pie.

Fun Box: The boys came up with this contradictory term. We use it in reference to the cardboard kitty carrier we put Jango in when we have to take her in the car.

The Princess Perch: This is how we refer to Jango's window ledge/bed. The Princess Perch is located in our bedroom window, facing a very large tree. Jango likes to sit there and alternate between napping and watching birds.

Sunday Dishes: Harlequin Romance

When I started buying/collecting/acquiring Fiesta a few years ago, it was out of necessity. We had been eating our meals off of these cheap blue melamine plates that I found on a Target clearance shelf. That was fine when the boys were small--nothing ever got broken.

I discovered Fiesta in mid-2004. Q had begun cooking healthy, gourmet-style meals (we didn't know he had Cushing's Syndrome back then...we thought he was just fat). And the melamine just didn't live up to these quality meals. It certainly didn't live up to our very colorful interior decor. Also, the boys were now old enough to handle the privilege of eating off of big people dishes.

Fast forward to now. I have acquired more Post-86 Fiesta than I could possibly use...unless we adopt every child in the neighborhood. And while I still buy the new stuff, I have moved on to collecting vintage ware as well...specifically the Harlequin line.

The yellow salad bowl is a souvenir from our recent vacation. I paid $9.50 for it in an antique shop in Waukon, Iowa. I could have gotten it for less on eBay, but not when shipping costs are factored in. Besides, this was my small way of contributing the local economy.

These double-egg cups are some of my very favorite pieces...the spruce one, in particular. Q bought me spruce and rose for Mother's Day. The blue one was a $2 eBay find.

Someday, Denise. Someday.....

My newest goodie--the rose novelty creamer--arrived on my front porch just yesterday.

The basketweave nut dishes (left) are another favorite. In fact, it was this item that originally got me interested in Harlequin. These little cups are similar in size to those soy sauce dipping bowls at sushi restaurants. I use my single egg cup (right) for holding toothpicks.

Thirty

I watched VH-1's new show, I Hate My 30s this week. Having been in my 30s for...a few years now, I really wanted to like this show. But I had a hard time getting through the entire episode. That could be because I was in bed nursing a headache at the time. Or maybe it was because I simply couldn't relate to the characters.

I Hate My 30s is about a bunch of unmarried office workers who likely don't have kids, and appear to be afraid of the big three-oh. No diversity there...except maybe for the token black guy. He was pretty cool. Anyway, stating that you hate an entire decade of your life is a very harsh statement...especially when you haven't lived it all yet.

On the other hand, it is OK to hate some facets of being 30. Or 40. Or any other age. Below, I have compiled a list of things I don't like about being in my 30s:

--You're too old for acne, and too young for wrinkles...Yet you have some of both.

--At the mall, it's hard to find clothes that fit your age. Everything looks like it came from either Hollister or Talbot's.

--If you return to college, you're most likely the oldest one in the class. Sometimes you're even older than the instructor.

--You've worn out your IKEA furniture, but you can't yet afford to buy a new living room set from Ethan Allen...or even Levitz.

--When the door-to-door salesmen come knocking, you can no longer look doe-eyed and lie that your mom and dad aren't home. They KNOW you're the homeowner.

--You have two choices: too-tight, panty-peeking, low-rise jeans or mom jeans...neither of which flatter the typical thirtysomething woman's figure. There's very little in between.

--The music you enjoyed in your teens is now being played on the oldies station.

--You no longer get carded.

--Instead of saving up for goodies like a new handbag or an iPod, you're now saving for boring necessities like window screens or a new vacuum system for the pool.

--The last time you stayed up past midnight was to clean up after a vomiting child.

--In the past, you colored your hair to achieve a fun, new look. Now, you do it to cover the gray...not that I would know :-)~

--You find yourself going out for an early dinner to beat the crowds. Also, you simply must be home in time to watch Desperate Housewives...even if it is a rerun.

--You tune in to The Real World only to see what the house looks like this season.

--When shopping for a new car, you find yourself caring less about the coolness factor. Instead, you're interested in nitpicky little details like the size of the radio buttons, the location of the shifter, and how many cup holders the car has.

--You find yourself insulting "that crap" your kids watch on TV...just like your parents did to you.

--Same goes for music. You quit keeping up with new music sometime during the Seattle/grunge era.

--Waiters, cashiers, and other service workers now refer to you as "Ma'am".

Being in my 30s does have its perks, however. Lower insurance rates, for one thing. Also, people tend to give you credit for knowing more than you actually do. I find this to be particularly true in the college setting. Just because you're older, the other students assume you have all the answers. Boy, have I got them fooled.

But perhaps the best part is the fact that my age bracket isn't being represented by Paris or Britney.

Trash Rat

I've often been told that I'm a pack rat. My house is full of stuff that gets used very seldomly...if at all. I don't get rid of anything. I keep clothes that no longer fit. I have stacks of outdated magazines that I have no intention of ever reading again. And VHS tapes. We have LOTS of VHS tapes...most of which are unlabeled, but probably hold old recordings of VH-1's 8-Track Flashback.

I also have many unused bars of hotel soap, hand lotion samples, leftover fabric panels from old sewing projects, craft supplies, non-Fiesta dishes that I can't bear to part with, shoes that don't match any of my clothes, half-filled tubes of moisturizer that I no longer like, empty CD cases... The list is endless.

But I've realized that I'm more than just a pack rat. I'm a trash rat. I tend to hang on to useless garbage that should have been thrown away ages ago. Things like price tags, UPC stickers, boxes, and their ilk. These are examples of new item packaging that should have been discarded shortly after said item came home and went into use.

I justify keeping these things in case I have to return an item to the store. Not a bad idea, in theory. But when the Anthropologie or Banana Republic tags and stickers sit in my bathroom drawer for a three years--two years after I quit wearing the garment they were attached to--then we have a problem.

Same with our iron. When we bought a new one, I saved the box and receipt on the closet shelf just in case the purchase didn't work out. Five years later, the iron still works fine. We have no intention of returning it. In fact, Panasonic probably no longer makes this model. Yet for some reason, the dust covered box is still sitting on that shelf.

Back in March, we attended a couple of family weddings. Shortly before the events, I bought a new pair of pantyhose to go with my dress. Four months later, the cardboard pantyhose envelope is still in my dresser drawer.

But at least I'm not a completely hopeless case. A few weeks ago, I bought some new drinking glasses. As I unpacked them, I carefully peeled off the price stickers and lined them up on the kitchen counter..."just in case". After a week, I finally threw the stickers away. There was no point in keeping them. At this point, the worst thing that could happen is that a glass might crash land on the kitchen floor. That would be an accident...certainly not a defect of the glass that would warrant a return to the store.

Sunday Dishes: Viva La Purple!

Welcome to the first installment of 'Sunday Dishes'. I'm going start using each Sunday's blog post to show off my Fiesta and Harlequin dishes. This will be done in the same spirit as my previous 'Bargain of the Week', which I haven't done in awhile. That's because most of my recent deals have been boring non-bargains (like on Thursday when I paid $2.69/gallon for gas) or dishes. I've been having some good luck finding cheap very affordable vintage ware on eBay. Most of it will be showcased here.



One of the most fun parts of collecting Fiesta is the ability to experiment with different displays, layouts, and color combinations. I do more than feed my family with this stuff. I decorate with it, too. Here, I have Plum, Heather, Cinnabar, and Lilac on display in the kitchen baker's rack.

Feline Dental Care

This week, I had to take Jango to the vet for her yearly check-up and shots. During her examination, the doctor noticed how dirty Jango's teeth were. She was also showing signs of advancing gum disease. Apparently, this is a problem among the oriental breeds (Jango is Siamese) and she really needs to have her teeth brushed on a regular basis.

I had no idea! I had been around cats my entire life and the idea of cleaning a kitty's teeth had never been broached. After all, cats are infamous for their meticulous personal hygene. They lick themselves clean, and bury their own messes. So naturally I assumed that dental care was also part of the package.

So, not only do I have to start brushing Jango's teeth, I also had to buy a special toothbrush and kitty toothpaste. This turned out this was easier said than done. No such products were found at Target or Fry's. I had to make a special trip to PetSmart.

And that's another reason why I knew nothing of feline dental care--the lack of selection and availability of products required to do the job.

And what a fun job it's going to be. NOT! Jango doesn't like being held, much less have a plastic rod shoved in her mouth. This is definately going to be a two person job. A job that nobody is looking forward to doing. That's why we haven't done it just yet. The vet took care of that just the other day and her teeth are not yet dirty enough to warrart putting Jango--and us--through the pain.

More, Please...

Recently, I had been making lists of TV shows and commercials that, to put it mildly, I could live without. Below is a list of shows that I wouldn't mind seeing more of:


--The A&E Saturday morning lineup. Shows like: Biography, Sell This House, Flip This House, Find and Design, and especially...

--...Big Spender! Or as I like to call it, The-Valerie-Spends-Less-Money-Than-The-Rest-of-the-World-Show. This is one show that Q and I like to watch together. It features individuals or families who are deep in debt due to frivalous spending. Typical episodes revolve around the 28 year old girlie girl who still lives with her parents, drives a little red roadster, has 200 pairs of designer shoes, and works 20 hours a week as a receptionist. And there's always the under-employed boyfriend who persuaded his girlfriend into helping him buy an Infiniti SUV (he downgraded from a Hummer H2). I believe this same couple spent $450+ per month on restaurant meals.

Anyway, Larry Winget--a style challenged self-help guy (and Dr. Phil wannabe)-- comes in and literally cleans house. He eliminates frivolities from the family budget, and advises the debtors to cancel the cable, hold yard sales, sell their plasma screens and expensive cars, repay loans from relatives, and get part-time jobs. Big Spender is on at 11:30 Saturday mornings in Phoenix. Everyone else, check your local listings.

--Also, I wish A&E would bring back Airline. There's nothing funnier than watching some skanky drunken lush of a woman get agitated because she was denied boarding.

--The Griswold family vacation movies. Except for European Vacation...that's the only one that didn't have Cousin Eddie in it. They can play Christmas Vacation all year long as far as I'm concerned.

--Caveman commercials!!!!!!

--For SOAPnet to bring 80's nighttime soaps back to its schedule. Drop the teen dreamy shows like One Tree Hill, OC, and 90210. Bring back Dynasty, Falcon Crest, and especially Knots Landing.

--Reruns of Love Connection on Game Show Network.

--For TV Land to bring Three's Company back to its line-up. Please. And show it during normal waking hours...not at 3:30 in the morning.

--For Cox Cable to add the Style Network to it's Phoenix station lineup. I'd be more than happy to give up SPEED, Golf Channel, AND Fox News for this ONE channel.

--More real estate shows that aren't House Hunters.

--Cell phone commercials where Mom reads her kids the riot act for running up the bill or dumping unused minutes in the kitchen trash. Kudos if Mom takes away the phone.

--VH-1 reality shows that feature former child stars. Train wreck TV is fun to watch.

--Speaking of VH-1, how about more of those "I Love The___" shows. The 70s, 80s, and 90s have been done to death, but how about the 60s? Even though most of the VH-1 key demograpic wasn't even born in the 60s, we'd love a chance to see what we missed. And while I'm at it, please rerun When Kiss Ruled The World.

--Superfriends cartoons on Boomerang!

--The TLC Saturday night lineup. Flip That House, Moving Up, Property Ladder, and The Real Estate Pros. All real eatate, all night long!

Vacation Pictures: Minnesota

The final leg of our trip included antique shopping in Stillwater, MN...a trip to the amusement park at Mall of America, and boating at Centerville Lake.

Beautiful Stillwater, Minnesota. Located on the St. Croix River, Stillwater is said to be the antiques capital of Minnesota. I could kick myself for passing up a red Harlequin 36s bowl that was priced at $18. I guess it didn't seem like a big enough bargain at the time.

At the Mall of America. We're on this ride somewhere.

Q's mom was nice enough to hold on to my suede purse while the rest of us got wet on the log ride. She also took this picture.

Little girls love Lucas.

Lucas and Sidney (Q's cousin's daughter). These two became fast friends.

Sidney and Luke being towed behind the boat at Centerville Lake...

...and Kyle and Q...

They even managed to get me on that thing!

This is a real store at the Minneapolis airport. "Keep walking, boys. We will buy our overpriced snacks and magazines elsewhere."

Vacation Pictures: The Reunion

During our time in Iowa, we got to stay at my cousin, Kris' big, beautiful farmhouse. This place was built in the late 19th century. And several family members have reported supernatural encounters, if you will, in a few of the upstairs rooms.

One nice thing about farm life is that there's always someone to play with...

...and you don't have to worry about your ball going over the fence into the neighbor's yard.

My dad was one of 12 brothers and sisters. Of the 9 surviving, 7 made it to the reunion.

The Blue Crew! My sister, Meredith, my cousin, Karen, and me...having a great hair day, despite the humidity.

We flew into Minneapolis, where Q's mom very graciously loaned us her car for the trip to Iowa. I still owe her a trip to the car wash.

On the way back to Minneapolis, we took a side trip to Niagara Cave in Harmony, MN.

Vacation Pictures: Dorchester, Iowa

We've been back from our trip since Wednesday, but I've been working on paring down the king sized pile of laundry that took over our family room. Also, I needed a vacation from my vacation.

My dad's very large family is from the tiny town of Dorchester, Iowa. Below is the family church--a very simplified example of gothic architecture.

The little house my grandparents moved to after they retired from farming. Some of the best meals I ate as a child came out of its kitchen.

Beautiful downtown Dorchester. The building on the left is the supper club (that's what they call restaurants back there). The place in the middle is the local bar, and the taller building on the right is the post office. I think there's a small store on the far right.

The creek. We played here alot as kids. I remember trying to catch fish with a homemade pole fashioned out of a large twig and a piece of rope. On this visit to the creek, we had to cut through a private yard to get there. The whole time, I thought someone was going emerge from their house and chase us away.

Mark G. is not the only garden pic poster in the blogosphere.

The Pot of Ice:

Reunion photos will be posted tomorrow.

Happy Chocolate Day, Everyone!!!

I plan to celebrate the day accordingly. :-)